Fighting Uninteresting Junk Mail Using Sheer Personality

The volume of unwanted mail I receive is silly. It makes me feel like someone out there just doesn’t care.

Today, I decided to try a new strategy, where I would respond to what is a very boring piece of mail (destined for the shredder) with a bit of personality. Call it good or bad personality – in any event, it is mine. It is my way of venting, I guess, while getting in a few good-natured pointers to the marketers about what they could, perhaps, be doing better.

I understand that direct marketing is a tough job, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to willingly be the target of a business strategy which has very little good effect, especially when it doesn’t even seem like the marketers tried to impress me, the customer.

Here are some excerpts from my recent response to one of those standard “here is a $100 check, go run to the bank and they will tell you how to open a new account, the check is not really a check by the way” letters.

Note: Personal details and the actual name of the bank have been blotted out.

Hope you are well.

I am building trust.

Back in January, we discussed taking my name/address off all marketing communications with [bank name], but I am still getting stuff – please see attached.

I always try to build a relationship with individuals while working on a customer service issue. At this point, I have collected three specific names of staff of the sender organization. I try to make their job easy by attaching the subject of my complaint as a scanned PDF.

Please note that this marketing letter re: opening a new bank account is not even interesting to read – I’m sure the marketing folks at [bank name] can do better, right? Like the GEICO gecko, or something like that. I love the gecko. Capital One also has a great ad campaign – it’s about Vikings, very fun to watch.

Okay – I know this is being mean, and they aren’t really allowed to respond to jokey comments like this. But I really do love those Viking commercials – I was telling my wife about it just this evening.

If you can provide a direct email address for the Senior Vice President who sent this letter, I would be happy to discuss removing me from your marketing database with her directly. If not, I would *greatly* appreciate your own assistance. As you know, wasteful and unwanted junk mail such as this destroys trees and forests. Al Gore would be mad. (Ralph Nader would also be mad, but for other reasons..)

It’s good to offer to be helpful. It shows that you are willing to engage with them on a professional level, but you just don’t appreciate them treating you like a dumb mailbox with no brain. Also good to call in the heavies sometimes, like Al Gore and Ralph Nader.

Plus, this type of marketing is disrespectful to customers (such as me) who have a personal policy of not accepting USPS mail. And yes, that’s a tough policy for a well-meaning customer to implement, when the flood of “possibly important” mail just never stops from all the vendors. I could sure use some encouragement and support, not more food for my shredder.

It’s also good to let them know that your job as a customer is difficult as well, that you could use some help.

If you have any concerns, please let me know as soon as is practical for you. Also, feel free to reach out to me by email, Twitter, or Facebook – those marketing channels are *far* more effective for digital grumps such as myself. Hey – you might even get me to open a new account if you tweet about it in an interesting way. I do like commerce. I am a big-time consumer. But your company is alienating me.

Here, I suggest several much more positive solutions to the problem of reaching customers. Please note that these are practical solutions which currently enjoy usage by millions of vendors and customers all around the World, and are generally accepted as “good solutions”. I also point out here that I have an itchy finger when it comes to buying stuff, which is true.

Sorry if this message seems snarky.. it just seems my best defense against the impersonal treatment I am receiving as your customer.

It’s always good to apologize, even if you would do it the same way next time. It shows you care. I do care. I don’t like seeming to be a difficult customer, or seeming to say things which might upset a representative of a company. But that still doesn’t mean I appreciate being treated like a dumb mailbox without a brain.